the trials of jacob
by smartalker
Summary: Has anyone else noticed the similarities between vampires and cannibals?


**The Trials of Jacob**

Giggling, Bella staggered dreamily after Edward as he led her to their bedroom, and then stopped short. Warily, she sniffed, and recoiled at the over powering stench of wilting roses. Edward sent her an inquisitive look, and she shook her head minutely.

Slowly, the two of them crept forwards, and then opened the door. As the heavy wooden barricade swung noiselessly inward, Edward began to growl. Peering around him, Bella saw why.

"Oh, hey," Jacob waved from his lofty position on the vampire's wedding bed. He was completely slathered in rose petals. Some mood music was playing—a little too loud to be soothing. The werewolf sighed animatedly, "So, have you guys got any booze around here? Cause I checked man, and you've got like—tuna. And baby food. Also, the barbeque sauce has _totally_ taken over your fridge. I'm serious. You guys are disgusting."

"Get. Out." Edward ground out, with a decidedly forced air of calm. He was trembling slightly, as through he could only just keep himself from ripping the other man to pieces.

"Nuh-uh," Jacob said brightly, "Not here to talk to you, you pasty creep. Lemme see the misses."

"Jake," Bella greeted him awkwardly. She wasn't really sure if she was supposed to be killing him or not, "Why are you—naked?"

"Setting the mood." Jacob said brightly, and swung his legs down to the floor, standing without a trace of embarrassment. Bella studied the ceiling with total absorption.

"What are you _doing_, you stupid dog?" Edward snarled. He had laid a hand on Bella's arm and had pulled her behind him, as though to bar her from sight. Jacob sent him a pointed look.

"No, see, I don't want someone like _you_ to question my rationality. You, dude, are astoundingly full of shit."

Edward's jaw twitched. Bella hummed a happy little tune. Jacob continued his tirade, his assault going full-frontal.

"Oh, sure, the whole undead thing keeps you from blushing. Right. Because you have no blood. Whatever man, you didn't seem to have a problem with getting a _boner_."

There was a stunned silence. Bella could be heard muttering, "Well, he _is_ a guy."

"This," Edward said stiffly, "If none of your business. Get out."

"But I'm not done!" Jacob protested, looking affronted, and then launched back into his rant. For ever step he advanced, Bella and Edward retreated. "Furthermore—not only are you able to amazingly not give off heat—which, by the way, is produced by your muscles working—but your diet sounds suspiciously creepy." Jacob threw his hands into the air, "Am I the _only_ one who sees this?!"

"I know that muscles produce heat," Edward said grumpily. Jacob eyeballed him.

"You would. You've only taken biology about eight times."

Edward fumed. One of his feet began tapping a rapid staccato. Bella rubbed his shoulders soothingly, and managed to meet Jacob's eyes.

Only his eyes.

Well.

Maybe a bit more than that—

"Jake," she said very firmly, "We get it. You don't like vampires. You still haven't said why you're here. And why you're—why you're naked." She finished rather lamely, hoping neither would notice her stutter. They totally did.

"Not vampires," Jacob corrected instantly, "_Cannibals_."

"We are _not_ cannibals!" Bella and Edward said at exactly the same time. Both of them seemed very offended by this.

Jacob grinned maliciously. "Of course not. You only eat people."

Edward responded by picking him up by his ankle and throwing him across the room. Jacob smashed into the wall unceremoniously, and landed on his feet, grin widening.

"Which brings us to our next point!" he panted, and ducked when Edward took a swing at him, only to be kicked in the stomach, "I really—"

He hacked something red, and sent Edward an evil look as his ribs reset, "I really need to get laid. And seeing as Nessie's still a kid and I'm not _that_ much of a creep, you two are my next best option."

He was tossed unceremoniously out.

Jacob pouted, naked and in the rain, and started pounding on the door.

"Oh, come on! No fair! You guys are screwing one another every night! Hell, it's statutory rape! But you don't see me saying anything!"

"GO AWAY." Edward bellowed, and stared nailing the door shut.

Bella was still humming.


End file.
